You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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