dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
