I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
