Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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