So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
