so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize