Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
