this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
