I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
