one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
