My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize