I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize