those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
