I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
