I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
