im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
