Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
