Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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