I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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