The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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