Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
