Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
