I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
