She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
