I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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