We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
