New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm just crazy horny about you
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
