I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
