Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
