I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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