taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
