my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
