he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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