Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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