Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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