This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
