your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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