I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
