Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
