i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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