i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
