The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
