Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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