I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
