what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
