I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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