my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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