It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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