Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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