the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
