I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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