Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
