My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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