He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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