so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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