What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
