I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
