Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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