Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My breath smells like gin and sadness
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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